My sister...and the promise of miracles (November 2, 2006)

When I got the call from my mother today...I wasn't expecting it at all. I was talking to my boss and my cell phone rang. I glanced down, noticed it was my mom and answered it (I never let my mom go to voicemail if I am near my phone). Absentmindedly, I muttered "Hey mom, I'm in the middle of something at work. Can I call you right back"? Her answer. "No. Kidney. We are leaving for OH in a few minutes. They have a kidney for your sister." Stunned I said ok and hung up the phone with every emotion I can fathom running through me.

I continued with work. Sent a bulletin and an email asking for prayer. Made some phone calls. And felt an intense fear rush through every nerve in my body.

I'll need to give you some background for this to make sense. My sister Chanda and I are 10 years apart. If you have read My Testimony on my page (yes I know it is long...but well worth the read…God rocks) you will surmise what kind of upbringing we had. The day my sister was born my dad was burying his dad in King George, VA. My mom had to have an emergency C-section but before she went under the knife she asked me to count my sister's fingers and toes and make sure she was healthy when she came out. My parents had 3 miscarriages before Chanda was born so I took my mom's comments literally at that age. When the doctor brought her out and let me hold her I refused to let go until fingers, toes, and health were accounted for. She was and is a miracle.

When she was 12 she got sick and that was the first time I got a phone call that she was dying and that I needed to book a plane ticket. Since that time I have had similar phone calls 4 other times. I don't recommend it to anyone. To this day if my mom calls at an odd time…my heart stops. Chanda was diagnosed with kidney failure that was probably progressing since she was born and it was never caught (Air Force brats...need I say more?). She went from a kid that screamed whenever she was near a needle to someone forced to give herself shots in the stomach and be on dialysis every night in her bedroom. She was sick all the time and missed a lot of school. As a result it was difficult for her to make friends so I became in her own words… her best friend.

She had her first transplant at 14. We were elated. Until 2 years later her body rejected it and she nearly died again. This time the damage was so bad doctors literally had to remove both kidneys. She has been surviving on dialysis every other day for 4 hours for the past few years. Without it. She dies. Certainly not a normal life for a teenager...but a reality for her. She still can't even work because what job will give you 4 hours off per day every other day?

A little over a year ago a series of events happened that shocked us all. Christa had a prophetic dream that my sister would be healed. The next week Candice…a stranger… walked into my moms church and said that God had sent her to donate her kidney to someone. She asked around and met my mom and sister. She was tested and she was a perfect match (which is rare). Then we had a setback. Candice had medical problems that needed taking care of before they would consider her. She has done so and we were just told this week that she is back in the running to donate her kidney to my sister.

Then today we got the phone call that someone else's kidney is ready for my sister.

To say that I am perplexed is an understatement. We have been through so many ups and downs over the years. From getting "the call' that a kidney was available only to find out it wasn't to incredibly painful tear-filled sessions with doctors asking "why" and "what is taking so long". I was tested for over a year and found to be a suitable donor until they found out some distant relative has diabetes and discounted me.

Through it all I have trusted God. I don't know what He is doing in this. But I trust Him.

I left the office for lunch today to pray for my sister, the surgeons, my mother, the nurses etc. I ended up crying buckets of tears, sharing my fears with Him, and singing (literally) His praises. Kristen asked me once if God took my sister would I still trust Him? In thinking about this risky surgery today…even through the tears I still say yes.

Please pray for her. She is my kid sister whose toes I counted and diapers I changed. She is my pillow fight partner. She is the annoying little sister I used to wanna beat. She is my funny bone and such a part of me. She is my example of bravery. I can't imagine my life without her.

Like Tinker and Jesse you guys don't hear me talk about this a lot but it is such a part of me. Constantly. I don't want to harp on how terrible this has been for my family. Because God's mercy and grace have been so much better. We have gotten to see what real love and support is from our family and friends. We have gotten to speak encouragement into other people's lives…even sitting in hospital waiting rooms. And for that I thank God.

This verse from Psalm 42 has been my comfort over the past 2 hours

For deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me"

Although my flesh wants everything in the world to stop turning and everyone to concentrate on my sister right now...I know that God is Soverign...still Holy...and He holds her in His arms. He is refreshing me and washing away my fears with His deep love.

We covet your prayers.

Much love!

Overdue Blog (November 10, 2008)

I am praising God for so many things. For my salvation. For breathing easy. For my amazing friends. For my loving family...and for miracles.

My sister has her kidney! Even though we had a few set backs she is the proud owner of a functioning kidney!

Through all of this I must say I have learned a thing or two about faith.

1) God may not always come when you want Him to… but He is always right on time. We waited for years for this kidney. We cried. We prayed. We fasted. We did everything we could think to do and then in this strange unexpected moment...God shows up with a miracle. I am reminded that Abraham and Sarah waited well past their 90's to have their promised child. David waited over 15 years to be King after he was anointed as a mere Shepard. The Israelites....well that was kinda their fault they let a 2 week trip take 40 years. But, you catch my drift.

2) Praising Him through my circumstances isn't just a cute thing Christians say. When the rubber met the road and I was so fearful I could barely function God met me and soothed me. When my sister was headed under the knife a week ago I was scared of losing her on the operating table, scared we would be disappointed again, and scared that somehow this just wouldn't work...again. It hit me hard that after I told her I loved her at 7:30 that might be our last conversation…ever. I had to lead worship with all of these thoughts rolling around in my head and to be perfectly honest...I did not feel like singing God's praises at that moment. I would rather have crawled into a ball in my bedroom and cried my eyes out in fear. Instead, my Pastor Tinker saw right through my fear (gotta love discernment) and called attention to it. She pulled me to the front and had everyone pray over my sister and me. Boy did I feel exposed because if you know me at all you know I HATE attention being called to me. Snot and tears flowing Ms. Overly Guarded..."don't let anyone see my true emotions unless it pertains to witnessing" Tanya broke right on down into a pile of mess. Then I had to take the mic and not only sing but lead a band. Well. When the first song started...even after the loving prayers of everyone in that room...I still wanted to run. But, as I sang a funny thing happened. I was enveloped with peace. We sang "Meet With Me by Ten Shekel Shirt" which goes like this:

I'm here to meet with You
Come and meet with me
I'm here to find You
Reveal Yourself to me

As I wait, You make me strong
As I long, draw me to Your arms
As I stand and sing Your praise
You come, You come and You fill this place
Won't you come, Won't you come and fill this place

How completely appropo. I found a comfort and a peace that was so…for lack of better word... surreal. Not 1 second before I started singing had I felt the weight of my own fear. But, as I sang I was just so peaceful. And it followed me even after leaving the stage. I was peaceful from that moment forward knowing that God is Sovereign and in control. How empowering to move out of fear into perfect peace!

3) Never underestimate the power of TRUE friendship. You know? The kind that makes you talk it out when you don't want to? The kind that knows that "I'm ok" is code for "I am about to fall apart so don't let me go". The kind that thinks to buy you a plane ticket and a rental car when you can't afford it to get you home to be with your family. The kind that says they will pray...and actually does it…fervently. The kind that will stay on-line with you til 2am just to make you smile and to be sure you are ok. The kind who has no idea how to comfort you but sends text messages with Scripture and song verses that will minister to your very soul. The kind that lets your room remain a disaster so you can rest (thanks roommie). The kind who loves you enough to allow you to be the weak one...just this once. And...the one who reminds you of your very own words when you feel like giving up. "Hey Tanya, remember the Aaron and Hur story you are always telling? Why don't you let us hold your arms up for a while? You don't have to be the strong one right now. Let us do that for you". The kind who calls just to say " I love you and I'm here when you wanna talk".

4) There is nothing...and I mean nothing better than sleeping on a chair next to your sister in a cold hospital room and knowing that God loves her so much more than you do.

5) Hospital food is the pits.

6) Praising Him doesn't start and end with a miracle. It is praising Him daily with your life....a lifestyle of worship that matters. We can't earn His love. He is love and He will never stop loving us…no matter what we do or who we are. Therefore, our response should be the only thing we can possibly give Him...the Creator of all things...the Lover of my soul...the Healer...the Comforter...My God...we give Him all of ourselves in worship and adoration. Regardless of the circumstances.

So to recap: Miracles Rock but God rocks harder than His miracles.

Thanks to everyone for prayers and support.

Love you guys!

PS: Some folks are asking how to pray right now. Well. Chanda was in a lot of pain and they found out she had fluid around her new kidney. Her kidney is working fine (Praise God!!!) but the fluid is what was causing the unbearable tear-filled pain. They performed a second surgery today and she is in the recovery room at this very moment. Pray for rapid and complete healing. Also, the medications are atrociously expensive. They are $500.00 for 1 month supply and that is with insurance covering $1500.00 already. Now, before you start sending money (I know some of you extravagant givers already have your checkbook in hand) hold on a sec. The Doctors are looking for solutions and are trying to see if they can donate some of the meds. Just pray for that. And finally…my mom is exhausted. She hasn't left my sister's side since I visited and there is no telling when they leave the hospital. She isn't complaining. I mean her kid is alive and well after all. She is completely joyful. But, I hear the strain in her voice. Just pray for rest please. If you have never slept in a hospital chair for over a week…you probably won't understand. Thanks so much.

A Divine Appointment (November 15, 2006)

So, last night I went to an amazing secular concert. Amazing because the musicians were innovative and their God given (whether they recognize that or not) talent was astounding. Amazing because in a world of filth and trash these musicians had something to say and they didn't have to use F bombs and debauchery to accomplish it. And, amazing because in the midst of the chaos in the Norva last night...God spoke to me.

He gave me a word for the opening act and I had no choice but to be obedient. I began to pray as soon as I knew He was calling me...making sure I was humble and contrite. I confessed and repented of any sins I had committed and I approached this stranger at his MERCH table and shared the love of Christ with him. I gave him scripture and I was very specific in how I would pray. I promised him I would continue to pray for him...and I will follow through. He was EXTREMELY receptive and encouraged and even said "I really needed to hear that right now". He admitted that it was hard staying encouraged in Christ on the road. Here was a young man who grew up with the Word who moved from the states to England where he lives now. And God used someone to speak encouragement over him in the most unlikely of places.

So, for all of those people waiting around for God to give you the "perfect" time, the "perfect" place, the "perfect" situation, and the "perfect" words to minister to someone......stop waiting. He may be trying to use you right where you are. Right where you least expect it. And right when that person needs to hear it the most. Regardless what your comfort level is. Trust me… I wasn't feeling overly bold when I approached him. Each time I approach strangers with trepidation and fear...but my desire to obey a God that won't let me down far outweighs my fear and self-doubt in my own abilities to convey Christ's love properly. God gave me the words and the Scripture and all I had to do was open my mouth. As long as you are empowered by the Holy Spirit there is ALWAYS someone you can minister to.

Why am I sharing this? Not because I want kudos or "way to go Tanya's" but because we ALL need to remember (including me) that it isn't always about us and our desires. There is a hurting world out there and as we sit in the pews every Sunday soaking up His Word we need to share it with others. We continuously take and receive the benefits of Christendom but we rarely reach out. We join groups, take leadership and discipleship classes and then we do nothing with what we have learned.

I may have gotten more out of this experience then he did. I learned that in the middle of any situation...I can be used. I learned that I really do need to be "ready in and out of season" because I never know when God will call me to give an account for what I believe.

Love someone out of your circle of friends. Speak encouragement to someone who has different beliefs, orientations, or lifestyles than you. If you don't speak to that person...who will? We all have a sphere of influence and a testimony. The world will reach out to whoever we don't...and the world's voice is loud. How loud is your voice?

Hope this speaks to someone. Be blessed.

Tonight's Sermon (November 30, 2006 )

For a change I think I will try not to be too long winded. I just have to be honest and say that God is working on my heart. I realized through Tinker's sermon tonight that I am critical and judgmental of my fellow Christian because I have taken it upon myself to "save" people in the past rather than just be an example in the way I live, use the Word of God to correct, and love. I have tried in my own power to show people the love of Christ and end up bitter and jaded in the end.

So what was my real intent? To be like Jesus...loving the unloveable, being transparent in my own faults, and ALWAYS pointing people to God the Father. But sometimes it gets lost in translation when I try to do it in my own power.

So, what did I learn tonight above all? I sometimes forget that still small voice the Bible talks about in 1 Kings Chapt 18 forward. I forget to take the plank out of my own eye and admit my faults. I forget that I am only human and can only love. I forget that I need that quiet time (not just devotionals and worship) to truly hear Him.

A year ago God had to take some drastic measures at a revival to get me to hear Him. Now, He is just gently reminding me that I am enough and that His grace should extend through me to others.

Praise God He takes us from glory to glory. He is sure enough NOT done with me yet. I'm not where I want to be but praise God I'm not where I was.

So, my prayer...God remove the critical eye I can sometimes have on my fellow Christian and allow me to see them the way you see them. Give me grace and allow me to see my own faults. In Jesus' name.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you".

Ephesians 4:32

The Book of Philippians: My De-stressor (December 3, 2008)

I have sooooo much to be thankful for. A family I adore. Amazing friends who have literally become extended family. My health and other Maslow's hierarchical type needs are being met. An enormous capacity to love others. Great church. Great boss. And to top it all off: I live in a country where being a Christian isn't illegal. Some of my brothers and sisters around the world live on smuggled Bibles and meet underground. Some are imprisoned. Some are killed just for professing Jesus Christ. I actually have a friend on-line who risks his life just to smuggle Bibles into a certain country every day. Yes martyrs still exist 2000 years later. Look it up (and these are only the ones who disappeared that were reported). http://www.prisoneralert.com/vompw_persecution.htm

So if I am so grateful why is there a knot in my stomach and tension in my neck?

I am working on being content in all things because the stress of the end of the semester, the holidays, and busyness tend to take their toll sometimes. I want to retreat and disappear. I want to throw my phone into the sea, pack it all in, and run away to the mountains to live like Thoreau on Walden Pond.

But then I remember what I am here for and I just look for a way to survive the next wave of anxiety ridden schedules and lists.

In the midst of all this when I focus on Jesus Christ I "get it". He doesn't just merely want me to hang on for dear life. He wants me to thrive...even in the chaos. He wants me to keep my eyes forward and complete the race. There is a reason the Word of God says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God". Phil 4:6 He actually wants to help me get there. To set me up for success not failure. And to teach me choice, balance, and relentless love.

Just as I was sharing with my friend tonight I want so badly to have Paul's attitude in Philippians 4: 11-13

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

Or as The Message version so plainly puts it:

"Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am".

You want perspective on this verse? Paul wrote these verses even though he had himself been arrested many times, imprisoned (in fact he was in prison in Rome when he penned this) , beaten, gone hungry, and been stoned. He had gone from being a respected pillar of affluent society and dispenser of Pharasitical Law to being a hated Christian because he had an amazing experience with Christ that changed his life. He went from persecutor or Christians to a persecuted Christian himself. And yet he still wrote these words. He learned to be ok no matter what the circumstances not based on his own power but on God.

So...as I go to bed early to get up and finish a dreaded paper with deadlines and craziness all about me...I strive for contentment because I am blessed beyond what the world can measure.

"This world has nothing for me"

"See how the apostle would bid us throw anxiety to the winds; let us try to do so. You cannot turn one hair white or black, fret as you may. You cannot add a cubit to your stature, be you as anxious as you please. It will be for your own advantage, and it will be for God's glory for you to shake off the anxieties which else might overshadow your spirit. Be anxious about nothing, but prayerful about everything, and be thankful about everything as well. Is not that a beautiful trait in Paul's character? He is a prison at Rome, and likely soon to die; yet he mingles thanksgiving with his supplication, and asks others to do the same. We have always something for which to thank God, therefore let us also obey the apostolic injunction".
Charles Spurgeon

Broken (December 10, 2006)

Nehemiah 2:2

"Therefore the king said to me, "Why is your face sad, since you are not sick? This is nothing but sorrow of heart.?"

Proverbs 15:13

"A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance,
But by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"

I asked myself today why I write blogs and I've decided that I share so much of myself and try to be transparent so that people can see that even though I love Jesus Christ with all that I am...sometimes I struggle. I have had some amazing highs while writing these blogs...but I have also has some extreme lows and I pray that I represent it all with truth and integrity. When you choose to walk with God (and yes it is a choice) that doesn't mean consequences vanish and you become rich. The Bible assures that we will suffer...but we have a hope and an assurance of coming out on the other side of it free. As Christians we are afforded eternal salvation but we are also promised that God is with us and we are never alone.

That being said yesterday I had the opportunity to spend my Birthday doing what I love...reaching out to people. I went to an outreach in a economically challenged neighborhood that my church has "adopted". We go there monthly to give away clothing, toys, food, and to minister to the residents in prayer. I spent most of the day with children longing to be loved and families in need.

I also spent the evening at a leadership event for the Young Adult group I belong to. We ministered to one another by going around the room and sharing encouraging words about one another and how we have changed one another's lives. It was very...uplifting and warm.

But, then I got home and pulled an Elijah (if you aren't familiar with the story read 1 Kings 17-19 then talk to me about it. But basically God uses this man to perform incredible miracles but after amazing success the guy gets depressed and fearful and runs away to hide. Sidebar: I love that the Bible has real people I can relate to as examples of who God wants to speak through). I was so low and so down about the fact that I am 32 and not at all where I thought I would be in my life. I allowed myself to have a pity party. I relived past mistakes. Everything that I perceive as horrible about myself surfaced and was magnified. I felt vulnerable, unworthy of goodness, and like I believed myself to be a huge failure who would never make a real difference in the world. Now just a few short hours prior people had acknowledged me and shown me amazing love and here I was giving myself the exact opposite. So what did I do? In my effort to prove I had some sort of redeeming value or to feel loved I tried to reach out for comfort, acknowledgement, or assurance and I ended up feeling more rejected and hurt and actually started crying. Yup. Crying my eyes out on my birthday because I perceived myself to be a useless loser whom people couldnt be bothered with.

Then it happened. A friend of mine and I began to chat on IM and she called me out. I was giving all the standard answers to the "how are you's" and "how was your days" and the Holy Spirit gave her discernment that something wasn't right in Whoville. She began to "read my mail" and speak to the discouragement I felt...without me uttering a single word about how terrible I really felt. Then she began to pray the Word of God over me and speak into my life. She challenged me to get into the Word and see who God saw me as. Funny. In a single day I had listened to how people saw me and then reverted back to a slanted view of how I saw myself. But, not once had I wondered how God saw me!

As I began to seek Him and scripture I realized my error. I sought man before I sought God. It was a rookie Christian mistake straight outta Christianity 101 ...one which as a "veteran Christian" I should have known better right? I made the classic blunder that I am always counseling everyone else against...and my friend was actually using my words and scripture I had given countless times to others to comfort them in similar situations in the past.

So, what did I learn from all of this:

1) As a leader, someone strong in their faith, and someone who loves deeply...I am NOT exempt from struggle. Pretty simple statement right? But, sometimes being in ministry you get prideful. You've heard it all and you can spit out the answers faster than anyone. But, sometimes the past comes back and you replay those old tapes in your mind of who you used to be before you met God. And you fall down broken from the weight of it all. It takes humility to admit you are hurting when others normally look to you for answers. And it is ok. As long as you don't stay there long and you get back up and remember who you are in Christ.

2) I have learned something new about stress patterns in my life. Lack of sleep+busyness+stress equals no good for Tanya. It's the Holidays, exams, and I am running around not taking care of me. That did not cause but did exacerbate all of my pity partyness. I need to learn to slow down, say no to some things, and learn that I am worthy of taking care of me too. If I don't it is easier for those old tapes to catch me when I least expect it and pounce on me sending me into some sort of depression thing. That is not what Jesus died for. The Bible says He came to give me abundant life and I don't have to accept anything less. When I don't take care of myself...I become ineffective in protecting myself and ineffective in ministering to others.

3) Old habits die hard. When you are feeling low NEVER NEVER NEVER rely on friends to pull you out. I know this so why do I fall back into that sometimes? I tried to receive human comfort and love and instead got hurt. Why? Because people will always let you down. It is a fact of life. They are human with their own needs and problems and it is no one else's responsibility to make me feel good about me. I know my friends love me and care about me. But expecting them to make me feel whole and ok about myself is not fair. It is a choice to seek God first. He is the only one who will bring true peace...not as the world gives but something constant and not based on how He is feeling. I will never go to God with hurt and pain and hear Him say "Tanya I am too depressed to help you with your depression so come back tomorrow" or "Tanya I am too busy talking to more important people than you to acknowledge your pain…try me again in a few hours and maybe I will be done". As my friends are fond of repeating "Your post-it note has not fallen off of God's "To Do List". He will ALWAYS give me what I need and that is His job...no one else's.

4) No matter how blessed I am or how great life is...I will ALWAYS face trials. James 1:2-5 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything". I didn't feel like a failure because I don't love God or because I didn't do enough good deeds yesterday. We will go through stuff in life. No one is exempt. And even though my sister has a kidney, I have friends, family, a job I enjoy etc does not mean that I will never experience emotional setbacks. It's what I do when I experience them that matters.

5) I am so grateful for friends that hold me accountable and lift my arms up when I grow weary. Yes I did just explain above that we are to go to God first...not humans. But, I am so blessed to have friends who would look past my need to be comforted and lead me right to the true Comforter Himself. Thank you June.

I am blessed to have friends I can brag on. Friends who are supportive and loving...but refuse to let me wallow.

I am not where I wanna be tonight...but I am not where I was last night. "Weeping may last for the night...but joy cometh in the morning." Thank you Jesus for walking me through another valley to a mountaintop. I am looking forward to the view.

Gone, Gone, Gone...It's all Gone (December 10, 2006)

Gone, Gone, Gone it's ALL GONE...

If you know anything at all about me you know that music is like breath or water for me...a necessity. The current song on my profile is related to my last blog on many levels. Funny I didnt stop to listen to it that night. I also think it's cool that the lyric I highlighted in red below is so fitting today. Yesterday is so gone. Thank you Jesus for your faithfullness. As long as I keep my eyes on You I can weather any storm. The circumstances are still there...but the peace, joy, contentment, and the fire You afford me is...awe inspiring. The view on the way up this mountaintop is breath-taking!

NOTE: I know we are always joking about how Kirk Franklin talks in all of his songs while his very talented singers do all the work. But, I can tell you that what ministered to me most (besides the simplistic piano part which I love) was Kirk's talking at the end. I know. I know! Give a listen and even if this isnt your usual musical style you will still be ministered to in some way cause this song is anointed. Thanks again Kristen for bringing it to my attention.

Imagine Me

Imagine me loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I

I imagine me in a place, of no insecurities and I'm finally happy cause I...

I imagine me letting go of all of the ones who hurt me cause they never did deserve me,

Can you imagine me saying no to thoughts that try to control me, remembering all you told me,

Lord, can you imagine me over what my momma said and healed from what my daddy did and I wanna live and not read that page again.

(Chorus)
Imagine me, being free, trusting You totally, finally I can imagine me,

I admit it was hard to see You being in love with someone like me, finally I can imagine me.

Imagine me being strong and not letting people break me down, you won't get that joy this time around.

Can you imagine me in a world, where nobody has to live afraid, because of Your love, fear's gone away,

Can you imagine me letting go of my past and glad I have another chance and not hard to dance cause I don't have to read that page again.

(Repeat Chorus 2x's)

Kirk talks:
This song is dedicated to people like me, those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance and even self-esteem. You never felt good enough. You never felt pretty enough. But imagine God whispering in your ear letting you know that everything that has happened is now.

Gone, Gone, Gone,

Its' Gone, All Gone

Kirk's remarks
Oh It's All Gone. Every Sin, Every Mistake, Every Failure Its' All Gone!
Depression Gone By Faith It's Gone
Low Self Esteem, Halleluiah Its Gone, All Gone,
It's Gone All My Scars All My Pain It's In The Past , Its' Yesterday Its' All Gone Can't Believe Its' Gone) What Your Mother Did, What your Father Did, Halleluiah (Its' Gone All Gone)

Death, Love, and Potted Plants (December 12, 2006)

My dear friend Marcus's father passed away Dec 9th from a short bout with cancer. Just three weeks ago he went to the doctor with no other complaints or symptoms except an agonizingly sore back and was diagnosed …and now he is gone. To give you an idea of how selfless Marcus is this is how I found out…he called me to wish me a happy Birthday and apologized for the wish being belated. Then he nonchalantly says "I would have remembered but my dad died that day and I was distracted". And he meant it. He was really remorseful that he had forgotten my Birthday under the circumstances. Marcus flew in from FL today and tonight I went to the Viewing to support him.

Marcus is one of my oldest and dearest friends (believe it or not I knew him before Tami, Shawn,or Stacie). We go back about 16 years when we both began to work retail together in the mall. Back when he introduced me to Depeche Mode, the Cure, and Morrissey and music was our common bond. We were inseparable. .

When he called with the news I did not hesitate to cancel my plans to be there for him. After all…he means so much to me and he would do the same thing for me. I had never met Marcus' family who definitely love one another but because of geographical distances, busyness, and extreme age differences (Marcus is in his early 30's and his brothers and sisters are in their 50's) are not very close. Marcus is this shy, unassuming, sweet man with immense compassion who doesn't like crowds. So, although tradition says one should pay their respects and leave a Viewing… I stayed the entire time. I went in, met the family, paid my respects, told Marcus I wasnt going anywhere, and went into the overflow room. He remained in the room with his family and whenever he felt overwhelmed from the crowd, needed a laugh, or needed someone who wasn't looking at him with tears and pity he came back to the room where I sat praying and listening.

Being a natural people watcher and a Sociology major…my idle time is never dull. I heard so many interesting conversations from my vantage point. I was this invisible observer of everyone's reactions to their own grief. Well. Almost invisible. I heard several people talking but they did not seem to think I could hear them...although I was only a few feet away.

"Who is that black girl in the corner"? The question came from a friend of the family in a forced whisper.

"I don't know but she's been sitting here all evening alone [emphasis on the word "alone"…thanks a lot]". Answered a spouse of one of the other friends of the family.

"Do you think she's one of those people who crash funerals"?

One elderly woman who sat across from me (because she was too weary and grief stricken to enter the room with the family) decided to take her mind off of death by explaining to me the secret of how to dust your indoor foliage and make it look shiny. Apparently you use Mayonnaise. I'm not kidding.

Furthermore, I learned that the best way to say "I'm sorry for the loss of your loving husband whom you built your entire life around and your father who helped give you life" is a potted plant.

And, I heard all kinds of gossip about this one's separation, this one's affair, and this other one's face lift.

But what I noticed most was the love. People who had not seen one another in 20 years were reconnecting and the time they spent apart seemed to vanish. Folks with differences that had kept them from speaking for years suddenly allowed anger and bitterness to melt away in an embrace of shared pain. Comforting and graceful words were expressed. Hands rubbing backs and caressing hands wearied from wringing. Phone numbers exchanged and promises to keep in touch this time. It was as beautiful as a symphonic piece.

One could be cynical and say that it won't last. But I would argue that even if it just lasts tonight…those who sought comfort received it in the loving arms of friends and family. Although the Holy Spirit is the ultimate comforter (the Word says in Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light)."We are all challenged to be God's hands and His feet here on earth. To be an extension of His love and grace to one another. To as the Bible says "bear one another's burdens".

Marcus and I have now attended 2 Viewings together. One was our friend Mark who Od'd on heroin. We hadn't seen one another in 5 years (Marcus and his partner live in FL) and Mark's death made us realize how fragile life is. We recognized our mortality at such a young age. We re-evaluated what meant the most to us in our lives. At the funeral we made a vow to stay closer and not lose touch (which can be a difficult task from hundreds of miles away). And we have been successful in that. Because anything worth keeping is worth working on.

So, why am I rambling about all of this? My point is this: I think it is important to tell the people in your life that they are important while they are still alive to hear it. While there is still time to do it. Holding a grudge? Read Matt 18:15-20 and resolve it. Pick up the phone and call that old friend you have not talked to in a while. Send an email to a devoted friend who is always there and let them know that you appreciate them. Hug your mom or dad and forgive them for whatever drives that wedge between you. Life is too short to forget where you came from, who God used to get you through a tough time, or to recognize your own shortcomings in loving others. It's not too late to repair the damage today…and love those who have entrusted you with the beauty of this thing called love. No matter what capacity it is actualized in.

John 13:34
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

John 13:35
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Romans 12:10
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Romans 13:8
[ Love, for the Day is Near ] Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.

Galatians 5:13
You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.

Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with another in love.

Hebrews 10:24
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.

1 Peter 1:22
Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.

1 Peter 3:8

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

1 Corinthians 13

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Repentance August 8 , 2006

I have not written a blog in so long. Mostly because God has been working on me as I go through this thing we call sanctification and I have not had much to say. Instead...I've been listening. It's amazing what truths God will bring into our lives when we just listen and obey.

I wanted to share the Word God has given me for this period in my life (and prayerfully forever more)...repentance. God is calling me to repentance before I can follow His command to "Be holy as I am holy" 1 Peter 1:16.

It's funny how foolish we can be sometimes. We think we have all of the answers or we have figured out this Christian walk. We think there is some sort of formula we must follow and then God will love us more. The truth is our very souls are longing for more of God and that thirst cannot be quenched with busyness, gossip, judgment, or the secret sins we hold onto that no one else knows about.

God has delivered us out of Egypt and we are screaming with our actions that it was better for us in captivity. We have been freed by the blood of Christ to love more truly and fully, to obey a God who will never leave us or forsake us, to follow the plans He has that do not include harm and in fact prosper us, to have the Comforter with us to empower us and lead us to the wisdom we desire. Yet, we return to the vomit of the world we are warned NOT to conform to. Those seeking something real look at us and say "I see nothing different than what everyone else in the world is already doing".

Christians judge. Christians gossip. Christians hurt one another and spit in Jesus' blood daily with the way we treat one another, the way we treat the lost, and the way we treat His grace upon our lives. I know because I am one such Christian who has had to repent for all of the above and God has lavished such forgiveness and freedom upon me. My ministry is more effective. My skin is not thicker...it is more pliable and bounces back more quickly. I am free to love people regardless if they love me back or not. I don't hold on so tightly to situations only God can repair.

I will never have "arrived" until I get to heaven. Here on earth I will constantly be at odds with my flesh. But, I am victorious because of Him...nothing I have done. Isnt repentance one of the reasons David the adulterous murderer was a man after Gods own heart? Isnt repentance the reason God spared us so many times throughout history? Isnt repentance the reason Peter whom denied Christ and deserted Him became the rock on which Jesus built the church?

I have a friend who is really discouraged right now because of people who are acting "religious" in his life but not showing much love. These are people like you and I. Good Christians with good intentions who have somehow missed the mark and become judge and jury rather than follower of Christ Jesus. This is how I responded to him:

I confess, I was one of the religious. As I was indoctrinated into ministry I believed that chasing people down to show them righteousness was akin to caring for their souls. I believed it my personal responsibility to correct and guide and when the chased person failed...I took it personally. Like I wasnt good enough or I did not pray enough. I had a holier than though attitude. Everyone's life would have been better had they just listened to me and done what I suggested. Wow. Did God ever do a work in my heart recently? I have had to repent for my religious pharisaical views. My heart was so wrapped up in trying to "do" God. To look good. To show others the sins they committed against God...but my own heart was black with judgment, defeat, and hurt. Outwardly I did all that a "good Christian" should. I prayed for people, I prayed with people, I read the Word; I showed up to every event and planned everything. But gossip and judgment accompanied everything I did.

God used me where I was. People where healed. People found hope in Christ. But it wasnt about me doing it...His Spirit took precedence over my ignorance. Heck, He used Balaam's donkey did He not? I guess He wanted to use me even though I was being a...um...well...donkey. It wasnt until I submitted the control, the manipulation, the judgment, the gossip, and my own hurts that God moved. I also had to forgive those (and there were many) that taught me this was ok and those who helped me perpetuate this behavior. I also had to ask for their forgiveness.

All the glory goes to God because there is such a freedom in not having to be right. A freedom in just letting the Holy Spirit guide you. A freedom in loving the unlovable...even if they make wrong choices that destroy the ministry you have given to them. Our God is a God of second chances and He knows best how to win people to Him. We are just to be vessels of love with healthy boundaries. Loving means bringing words of correction...not flesh driven but Holy Spirit inspired. Love means not condemning or gossiping. Love means seeking God before acting and reacting.

If you have anything encouraging to add...we know that "iron sharpens iron" and we are here to encourage one another. So, if God has spoken anything to you that would encourage others struggling with repentance please comment.

May the Holy Spirit guide you into repentance today as He does daily with me. I want my heart to make God smile. May you seek the same today.

1 Samuel 15:23 (KJV) "For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft..."

2 Chronicles 7:14 if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

Isaiah 30:15 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.

Isaiah 59: 20 The Redeemer will come to Zion, to those in Jacob who repent of their sins," declares the LORD.

Jeremiah 5:3 O LORD, do not your eyes look for truth? You struck them, but they felt no pain; you crushed them, but they refused correction. They made their faces harder than stone and refused to repent.

Jeremiah 5:23 (NIV) But these people have stubborn and rebellious hearts; they have turned aside and gone away

Jeremiah 3:13 (NIV) "Only acknowledge your guilt--you have rebelled against the Lord your God, you have scattered your favors to foreign gods under every spreading tree, and have not obeyed me," declares the Lord

Ezekiel 18:30 "Therefore, O house of Israel, I will judge you, each one according to his ways, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent! Turn away from all your offenses; then sin will not be your downfall.

Ezekiel 18:32 For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!

Matthew 21: 32 Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.

Luke 13:3 I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish

Luke 15: 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Luke 17: 4 If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."

Acts 3: 19 Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,

Mark 1:15 - "The time has come," he said. "The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!"

Mark 6:12 - They went out and preached that people should repent.

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Matt 4: 17 From that time on Jesus began to preach, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near."

Acts 20:21 I have declared to both Jews and Greeks that they must turn to God in repentance and have faith in our Lord Jesus.

How I Spent My Christmas Vacation (December 26, 2006)

Driving alone a little over 500 miles during the Christmas holiday season can have it's challenges. But, driving a 16-foot truck full of all of your worldly possessions across 3 states including mountainous territory, intense fog, and traffic is...INTERESTING.

The adventure began at 2:30 a.m. as I got up to pack my stuff. The night before I couldnt sleep and tossed and turned. That always happens to me before a trip. By the time I was finished (and walked and fed my dog) it was 4am and I was off. Now...if you know me you know that music is essential. So, I'll blog this in soundtrack form.

I started with Barlow Girls "Another Journal Entry" (thanks Chrissy). I listened to it until I encountered the most beautiful thing I have ever seen with my own eyes. I was in Charlottesville driving past the Look Out Points and saw fog covering the mountains. I cant even explain how incredible it was. It looked like a warm comfy blanket of cotton was covering the mountains. I thought long and hard about stopping and crossing the 4 lanes needed to take a proper photo but as a million cars whizzed by...I thought that photo wasnt worth my life.

On to Imogen Heap's "Speak for Yourself". I rolled into a town in WV because I was running low on gas and needed to um...take a trip to the powder room. As I rolled into the only gas station for miles I could practically hear the music from "Deliverance" playing. No offense to anyone from WV but wow...little ole black Tanya started to get a bit scared when EVERYONE was dressed in camouflage and carrying large guns. I am not exaggerating folks. I was greeted with about 20 men with rifles as I walked in to pay for my gas and none of them looked happy to see me. Normally I am used to being the sole "token" wherever I go with my friends. But, this was unfamiliar territory and I was flying solo. After all I once married a redneck for goodness sakes. I knew all of the different possible outcomes of this moment...and I wasnt so sure I wanted to stick around and find out which one would come true. So, of course I started quoting scripture (2 Tim 1:7) "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind". I quietly asked for the bathroom key (newspaper wrapped in a tube with a key attached) and headed outside. How can I describe the bathroom? Early American outhouse meets country jail cell. I walked in...and there were no lights. I mean pitch darkness. I had to use my cell phone to navigate. In my mind I am imagining men with guns storming in at any minute ready for a lynchin...bugs crawling the unseen walls...or some guy telling me to put the lotion in the basket...so needless to say I was fast as lightening.

On to Hill Song United's "United We Stand" cause I sure needed to praise God I was still alive. The rest of the trip was a series of holding my breath up and down mountains praying that I wouldnt carren off the side or need to use the emergency truck lanes. But I arrived saftly 10 hours after I began and was so excited!

Onto Regina Spektor's "Begin to Hope" We unloaded the truck with the help of my mom's church members. Praise God for them because I was soooo exhausted.

The next day was a blur of cooking, eating, laughing, and loving with my family. We played Spades (I lost), we watched every Christmas movie ever made...twice, we sang, and stayed up til 4 a.m. talking. We talked about how blessed we were that my sister has her new kidney. I made fun of her resemblance to Michael Jackson because she has to wear a mask while she is still healing to protect her from our germs. My 36 year-old schizophrenic brother (no that isnt a joke...he really is schizophrenic) had us all in stitches with his jokes and sarcastic comments. I think he has the best sense of humor of our entire family. I forget how much I miss them when I am away from them.

Kirk Franklin's "Hero" (June still has my copy so I had to listen to it on my laptop...hint hint June). Sunday we went to church. My family is a different denomination than me and they attend a traditionally black church. Their church is a member of AME churches (the ones started because blacks were forbidden from entering white churches back in the day). The worship is soulful, the preaching loud, and the "Amen's" are so thick you can feel them. There is a real sense of community but they can also be very political. For example in a prayer the Pastor said "Lord, please send wisdom to that man who calls himself our President as he sanctions the killing of our innocent young military members. This war is senseless and not of You." Anyway...during the service a white family walked in. They sat right in front of my family and I could see that the 3 girls were wearing handkerchiefs on their heads because they couldnt afford hats (it was 35 degrees outside). They were dirty and obviously uncomfortable in a place where no one else looked like them. Harkening back to that WV gas station...I knew exactly how they felt. My mom went into greeting mode (I get it honest y'all) and took this little family under her wing showing them the hymnals and Bibles and telling them when to stand and when to sit. The kids instantly became comfortable and started smiling. My mom has that affect on people.

After service I talked to the mother and learned that she is a Meth addict. They were poor and had no where to go for Christmas dinner. I looked at my mom and knew she was giving me the silent ok. I invited them to Christmas dinner and offered to pick them up because they had no transportation. The Pastor interrupted our talk to take the family into his office and ask what their needs were so that the children could be cared for. He made sure to let them know they are welcome and that he wanted them to come back and would pick them up every week if they needed it. Man, sometimes I really love the body of Christ.

So we had the Orr family over for Christmas dinner and we had a ball. I leave tomorrow and I have to say that was the highlight of my trip. Not because I feel like it was charity...because I dont in the least. But, because I got to spend time with these children and for a few hours they werent thinking of how poor they were or what they did not get for Christmas. They were happy and laughing and playing games. And of course my mom sent them home with gifts because that is the kind of woman she is. Like I said. I get it honest.

Gotta go. My sister and I are watching "The Little Mermaid". She got it for Christmas and she is excited to see it again. Man, I love that lil crab Sebastian.

Love y'all

Matthew 25: 40-45

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

Remembering Lunch (December 28, 2006)

A year ago today my dear friend June's mother Linda "Lunch" Kern passed away. She suffered for many years and existed on oxygen and meds. Yet, she was hilarious, vivacious, courageous, generous...and opinionated.

I have so many great memories. Like the time I wanted to borrow a movie and she wanted me to fill out a form in triplicate and promise my first born if I did not return it. Or the times I would call and ask for June to come to the phone and she would interrogate me...scare me...and have me in stitches with laughter by the end of the conversation. Or the Birthdays she called and sang "Happy Birthday" to me about 50 times during the course of a day...starting at 5am.

There were also the serious times. She would tell me often that I was worthy of the love of a good man who loved Jesus as much as I did and that I should wait no matter how long it takes. She would remind me often that June and the young women in our lives should never settle for less and that we had the entire world at our feet.

But, the final time I spent with her on December 27, 2005 will forever be etched in my mind. June and I went into her room to say goodnight. I had no idea this would be the last time I would see her alive. I laid my hands on her to pray over her and she gave me a look of recognition and I understood that she was ready. I began to pray and June began to sing...we ended in a duet worshipping God. I got to tell her that I loved her and that I would look after June...and her family would be ok. She passed the next day.

June showed the grace she inherited from her mother all the way through this. There was one time we were in the waiting room and we encountered a little elderly woman who was afraid of an upcoming surgery for her husband. June sprang into action and told the lady we would pray with her. We ended up in the hospital room of strangers praying intently over this man. You could just feel the Holy Spirit in the room. Here her mother was on her way home to be with God and June was with me and our friends praying over and bringing comfort to someone else. (Incidently, the surgery was successful and he was released a few days later). June also led her mother to the Lord before she passed. In those last days she wanted her mother to be sure of her eternity. June also spoke the most beautiful eulogy I have yet to hear...explaining her faith and how she could trust a God who took her mom home, and challenging her family and friends to come to know the Lord that she would lay her life down for...even in that moment of hurt and pain. Her intent was just to show God's glory during this tragic time.

I know what it is like to lose a parent to death and unfortunatly many of you do as well. But. I challenge you. If you still have parents who are living...love them today in memory of Lunch. Hug them. Tell them you love them. Forgive them.

We miss you Lunch...but I am so glad I know where you are.

Romans 10:13 for "WHOEVER WILL CALL ON THE NAME OF THE LORD WILL BE SAVED."

New Years Eve (December 31, 2006)

Amanda "AC" Stone rocked my socks off (see photos below). She was hilarious, generous, wise, patient, caring, creative, and loving. When she sang...oh man I still remember her voice. She could bring tears to your eyes with her worship. I met her at a Christian Coffee Bar in Newport News called Shadrachs. She was on stage introducing bands with her regular wit and charm. She walked off stage and served me coffee with the most amazing smile I have ever seen. She instantly put me at ease.
To know her was to know that she adored God. She loved children. She loved her family. She loved her friends. She loved to laugh and make others laugh. She loved music. She loved life.
AC was killed by a drunk drive a few years ago. I never thought I would be one of those people to say that I was affected by drunk driving. That was something you saw on commericals that made you cry. But to this day I think of her OFTEN and pray for her family and friends still suffering from the loss.

AC lived after the accident and was conscious before she passed. One of the first things she wanted to know when she woke up was were the people who hit her ok. They hit her on her way home. They were driving the wrong way on an exit ramp. She had no time or space to get out of the way and she was hit head on. She had more concern for them than for herself. That is the kind of person she was.

I have no idea what any of my friends REALLY do in their personal life. I am not the moral police or a personal Holy Spirit. I am also not nieve enough to think that people that I love in my life always act responsibly. All I can say is no one should have to experience what AC's family and friends went through...and still go through.
I dont drink for several reasons. I am a leader and I dont want to cause someone to stumble. My father was an alcoholic and I saw how that affects families. I could go on and on. But, I am not writing this blog to condemn drinking. I am condemning senseless drinking and driving because I mourn the loss of an amazing woman and I dont want to lose anymore friends.

Please dont drink and drive.

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May God keep each and every one of you safe tonight.
God bless

2007 Learning To Let God (January 3, 2007)

007 has been a rough year for me already. A blessed year. But, rough none the less.

During my fast I have learned some things about self-destructive patterns in my life, learned that the mortal things I thought I could count on very easily slip away, learned that some relationships are toxic for me and may need to cease or change with some strong boundaries on my part, and I have been reminded that I am NOTHING without Christ.

I've been spending a lot of quiet time and if you know me well you have a very shocked look on your face. Yes. I have sat in silence just listening to God and I have sat still long enough to hear Him.

It doesn't feel good but He is molding me and shaping me like the lumpy clay that I am.

Lastly. I know that I am blessed. I watch the documentaries on all of the AIDS orphans and child sex slavery and I weep like a baby. I know that I have to allow God to make me into what He needs me to be so I can be His hands and His feet to help His children and be a light.

So...all that I ask is that you bear with me and not take my timidity, my quiet, or my reflections personally. I'm just in an "interesting" place right now. If you have been reading my blogs for a while you know that I have had ups and downs just like anyone else. I have spoken of valleys and mountaintops. But please know that I am never without hope and love. I just recognize that growing means change and that usually involves giving something up that you hold dear and giving up control (or in my case the illusion thereof).

I'm not where I should be....but praise God I'm not where I was.

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:6-9

Crazy Day (January 10, 2007)

I have no idea why I'm still up. I got up at 5:30 this morning, walked my dog, fed my roommates cat, and left the house at 6:00am to make it to campus to work out.

It took me an hour to make it to campus. I love our troops but Lord have mercy there were a lot of them in the tunnel this morning. The gym was jam packed (who knew other crazy people would voluntarily be up that early)? I parked in the parking garage I affectionatly term "purgatory"...aptly named because if you park in this garage you have to cross 8 lanes of traffic and play a dangerous game of Frogger with your life to get to the actual campus. I HATE parking there...but it was close to the gym. I managed to wipe the sleep from my eyes and trudge through a work out. When I finished I walked into the door marked "Ladies" (I'm still trying to figure out why I felt the need to clarify that) and to my chagrin discovered there were no showers. No showers on a bajillion dollar campus with at least 4 gyms? No showers when I had a meeting set up with my Professor and I was a hot mess? In my mimi-panic I texted my amazingly gracious friend Courtney who lives on campus and she let me come use her shower. You rock Court.

So, I go to walk across "Frogger Alley" and I see a dear friend at the stop light. What are the odds that I would see him there out of the thousands of commuting students? So, I excitedly wave and smile. And he stares at me like "I wish this chic would leave me alone". So what do I do? Wave more. In fact I stand there so long the "walking guy" replaces the red "stop" hand and people around me begin to walk while I stand there like a dumbstruck idiot. He gives a half hearted wave and I feel like I am walking through a Kafka novel where I'm a big bug and my friends want to squish me. Boy did I need coffee...either that or I could just become Emo and build on my maudlin thoughts. Nevermind. I hate tight jeans and bad poetry...but dark colors are very slimming on me. I digress...my friend was probably just as exhausted as I was...or I am just a big ole bug in need of squishing. Naw.

I arrived at the meeting and my Professor tells me he has to reschedule. Long story short I end up crossing "Frogger Alley" 6 times in two hours running school errands. Talk about a workout! I got more exercise today then all of 2006 combined. Sad but true.

I headed to work in Yorktown after that and after working a full day headed back to class.

So...I'll get to the point of this blog. I found out a class I need to graduate is impossible to add. You would think I would be in a panic seeing as how all of my plans for Africa hinge on me graduating on time(May 2007). But, I have such a peace that God is in control. I know it will work out and I trust Him. This "letting go" thing is rough...but this moment certainly feels amazing.

Thank you God for perfect peace in a storm.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make your paths straight."

This Weekend (January 14, 2008)

I am only writing this blog because my laptop broke (blue screen of death) and I have been without a means to reach most people all weekend. Nothing terribly profound will result from this blog (that is being a wee bit presumptuous that anything profound ever did). It is merely a way to catch people up.

Note: I have also been without IM. My apologies to Stacie, Cory, Chrissy, Ricky, and [M] but I really had no way of letting you know. Love you all. The lappy is in the shop and we are praying for full recovery. Note to self: No more Dell's. HP all the way.

This weekend was lovely, relaxing and busy all at once. In the span of 48 hours I managed to:

A) Become a Godmother to the incredibly beautiful and perfect Gabriel Logan Hayes! I didnt want to stop holding him. He is just this awesome miracle and I just love him. I have been waiting to hold him for 9 months and I can't believe he's here. My Pastor Tinker says I need to get married and have some of my own...but she has yet to introduce me to any courting prospects. LOL.

B) Visit my dear friends Michael and Robert in Richmond (My Shawn Shawn had to work...sadface) and watch the WORST movie on the entire planet. I shant even speak the name because it doesnt even deserve to be mentioned. The fact that it was followed by "Xanadu" starring Olivia Newton John didnt even give me comfort. We hung out and vegged out on healthy food (go figure) and laughed much. We also hit my favorite store Plan9. Thanks fellas. I needed that. Sure coulda done without the cat pee though.

C) Meet an INCREDIBLE 85 year old woman who was a professor of German at William & Mary. If you ever have a chance to sit and listen to history told through the eyes of someone who lived it...and remembers it all with clarity, wit, and humility...do it. I learned so much.

D) Re-connect with an old friend over organic poptarts. She even introduced me to a Manga (sp?) and let me borrow one. We discovered we have much in common and we had a lovely time catching up. It reminds me why I love "real life" rather than the internet.

E) Discovered that my step-daughter is enamored of a young man and vice versa. This is new territory for us...and quite frankly is a bit un-nerving. I am trying to wrap my mind around this. Wasn't she just 5 last year and now she is 16 and 'in like' with some boy? UGH. She is an amazing girl though so I am super duper blessed to have her in my life. The girl is so talented too. I pray she sees her potential and her attributes through God's eyes.

F) Attend church twice. I was reminded how freeing repentance really is, experienced a new Spiritual Gift I didnt know I had for the first time, been convicted by the Holy Spirit to press in and stop taking Him for granted, and while in prayer for something totally different was given the topic for this year's Ladies' Retreat. Thank you God for your enduring faithfulness and mercy.

I pray that all of you had incredible weekends. I for one am reminded how much love I have in my life. I am blessed.

MLK Day (January 15, 2007)

Everytime I listen to a speech by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr I am overcome with emotion. It wasnt long ago that most people on my "Friend's List" would have been forbidden to associate with me. Had I been born just a short time ago in history I wouldnt have been allowed to sit in the front row in my church, drink from certain water fountains or attend University. We take our freedoms for granted but when I listen to the speeches I am reminded of those who have gone before me to make my life possible.

I am also reminded of all of my Christ following forefathers and foremothers who were crucified, stoned, beheaded, used as torches to light Nero's fires, jailed, tortured, exiled, shunned, disowned, and disavowed for the name of Christ.

We are so spoiled and we take so much for granted.
I am humbled.

So, although I am working all day I will be celebrating the political and social life of a man who was killed for freedom. But, I will be asking myself...how far am I willing to go for what I believe in? Death threats, public scorn and hate, imprisonment, intimidation, racism, murder...in the name of freedom. Jesus began the work, and many have continued to represent love and justice for Him. Today I celebrate all who have gone before me to give me what I have...and don't deserve.

Galatians 5:1

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand fast therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery".

"Pride in the Name of Love" U2
One man come in the name of love
One man come and go
One man come, he to justify
One man to overthrow

In the name of love
One more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love?

One man caught on a barbed wire fence
One man he resist
One man washed on an empty beach
One man betrayed with a kiss

In the name of love
One more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love?

Early morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride

In the name of love
One more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love?
In the name of love
One more in the name of love
In the name of love

Martin Luther King, Jr.
"In struggling for human dignity the oppressed people of the world must not allow themselves to become bitter or indulge in hate campaigns. To retaliate with hate and bitterness would do nothing but intensify the hate in the world. Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough and morality enough to cut off the chain of hate. This can be done only by projecting the ethics of love to the center of our lives".