Broken (December 10, 2006)

Nehemiah 2:2

"Therefore the king said to me, "Why is your face sad, since you are not sick? This is nothing but sorrow of heart.?"

Proverbs 15:13

"A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance,
But by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"

I asked myself today why I write blogs and I've decided that I share so much of myself and try to be transparent so that people can see that even though I love Jesus Christ with all that I am...sometimes I struggle. I have had some amazing highs while writing these blogs...but I have also has some extreme lows and I pray that I represent it all with truth and integrity. When you choose to walk with God (and yes it is a choice) that doesn't mean consequences vanish and you become rich. The Bible assures that we will suffer...but we have a hope and an assurance of coming out on the other side of it free. As Christians we are afforded eternal salvation but we are also promised that God is with us and we are never alone.

That being said yesterday I had the opportunity to spend my Birthday doing what I love...reaching out to people. I went to an outreach in a economically challenged neighborhood that my church has "adopted". We go there monthly to give away clothing, toys, food, and to minister to the residents in prayer. I spent most of the day with children longing to be loved and families in need.

I also spent the evening at a leadership event for the Young Adult group I belong to. We ministered to one another by going around the room and sharing encouraging words about one another and how we have changed one another's lives. It was very...uplifting and warm.

But, then I got home and pulled an Elijah (if you aren't familiar with the story read 1 Kings 17-19 then talk to me about it. But basically God uses this man to perform incredible miracles but after amazing success the guy gets depressed and fearful and runs away to hide. Sidebar: I love that the Bible has real people I can relate to as examples of who God wants to speak through). I was so low and so down about the fact that I am 32 and not at all where I thought I would be in my life. I allowed myself to have a pity party. I relived past mistakes. Everything that I perceive as horrible about myself surfaced and was magnified. I felt vulnerable, unworthy of goodness, and like I believed myself to be a huge failure who would never make a real difference in the world. Now just a few short hours prior people had acknowledged me and shown me amazing love and here I was giving myself the exact opposite. So what did I do? In my effort to prove I had some sort of redeeming value or to feel loved I tried to reach out for comfort, acknowledgement, or assurance and I ended up feeling more rejected and hurt and actually started crying. Yup. Crying my eyes out on my birthday because I perceived myself to be a useless loser whom people couldnt be bothered with.

Then it happened. A friend of mine and I began to chat on IM and she called me out. I was giving all the standard answers to the "how are you's" and "how was your days" and the Holy Spirit gave her discernment that something wasn't right in Whoville. She began to "read my mail" and speak to the discouragement I felt...without me uttering a single word about how terrible I really felt. Then she began to pray the Word of God over me and speak into my life. She challenged me to get into the Word and see who God saw me as. Funny. In a single day I had listened to how people saw me and then reverted back to a slanted view of how I saw myself. But, not once had I wondered how God saw me!

As I began to seek Him and scripture I realized my error. I sought man before I sought God. It was a rookie Christian mistake straight outta Christianity 101 ...one which as a "veteran Christian" I should have known better right? I made the classic blunder that I am always counseling everyone else against...and my friend was actually using my words and scripture I had given countless times to others to comfort them in similar situations in the past.

So, what did I learn from all of this:

1) As a leader, someone strong in their faith, and someone who loves deeply...I am NOT exempt from struggle. Pretty simple statement right? But, sometimes being in ministry you get prideful. You've heard it all and you can spit out the answers faster than anyone. But, sometimes the past comes back and you replay those old tapes in your mind of who you used to be before you met God. And you fall down broken from the weight of it all. It takes humility to admit you are hurting when others normally look to you for answers. And it is ok. As long as you don't stay there long and you get back up and remember who you are in Christ.

2) I have learned something new about stress patterns in my life. Lack of sleep+busyness+stress equals no good for Tanya. It's the Holidays, exams, and I am running around not taking care of me. That did not cause but did exacerbate all of my pity partyness. I need to learn to slow down, say no to some things, and learn that I am worthy of taking care of me too. If I don't it is easier for those old tapes to catch me when I least expect it and pounce on me sending me into some sort of depression thing. That is not what Jesus died for. The Bible says He came to give me abundant life and I don't have to accept anything less. When I don't take care of myself...I become ineffective in protecting myself and ineffective in ministering to others.

3) Old habits die hard. When you are feeling low NEVER NEVER NEVER rely on friends to pull you out. I know this so why do I fall back into that sometimes? I tried to receive human comfort and love and instead got hurt. Why? Because people will always let you down. It is a fact of life. They are human with their own needs and problems and it is no one else's responsibility to make me feel good about me. I know my friends love me and care about me. But expecting them to make me feel whole and ok about myself is not fair. It is a choice to seek God first. He is the only one who will bring true peace...not as the world gives but something constant and not based on how He is feeling. I will never go to God with hurt and pain and hear Him say "Tanya I am too depressed to help you with your depression so come back tomorrow" or "Tanya I am too busy talking to more important people than you to acknowledge your pain…try me again in a few hours and maybe I will be done". As my friends are fond of repeating "Your post-it note has not fallen off of God's "To Do List". He will ALWAYS give me what I need and that is His job...no one else's.

4) No matter how blessed I am or how great life is...I will ALWAYS face trials. James 1:2-5 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything". I didn't feel like a failure because I don't love God or because I didn't do enough good deeds yesterday. We will go through stuff in life. No one is exempt. And even though my sister has a kidney, I have friends, family, a job I enjoy etc does not mean that I will never experience emotional setbacks. It's what I do when I experience them that matters.

5) I am so grateful for friends that hold me accountable and lift my arms up when I grow weary. Yes I did just explain above that we are to go to God first...not humans. But, I am so blessed to have friends who would look past my need to be comforted and lead me right to the true Comforter Himself. Thank you June.

I am blessed to have friends I can brag on. Friends who are supportive and loving...but refuse to let me wallow.

I am not where I wanna be tonight...but I am not where I was last night. "Weeping may last for the night...but joy cometh in the morning." Thank you Jesus for walking me through another valley to a mountaintop. I am looking forward to the view.