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My dear friend Marcus's father passed away Dec 9th from a short bout with cancer. Just three weeks ago he went to the doctor with no other complaints or symptoms except an agonizingly sore back and was diagnosed …and now he is gone. To give you an idea of how selfless Marcus is this is how I found out…he called me to wish me a happy Birthday and apologized for the wish being belated. Then he nonchalantly says "I would have remembered but my dad died that day and I was distracted". And he meant it. He was really remorseful that he had forgotten my Birthday under the circumstances. Marcus flew in from FL today and tonight I went to the Viewing to support him.
Marcus is one of my oldest and dearest friends (believe it or not I knew him before Tami, Shawn,or Stacie). We go back about 16 years when we both began to work retail together in the mall. Back when he introduced me to Depeche Mode, the Cure, and Morrissey and music was our common bond. We were inseparable. .
When he called with the news I did not hesitate to cancel my plans to be there for him. After all…he means so much to me and he would do the same thing for me. I had never met Marcus' family who definitely love one another but because of geographical distances, busyness, and extreme age differences (Marcus is in his early 30's and his brothers and sisters are in their 50's) are not very close. Marcus is this shy, unassuming, sweet man with immense compassion who doesn't like crowds. So, although tradition says one should pay their respects and leave a Viewing… I stayed the entire time. I went in, met the family, paid my respects, told Marcus I wasnt going anywhere, and went into the overflow room. He remained in the room with his family and whenever he felt overwhelmed from the crowd, needed a laugh, or needed someone who wasn't looking at him with tears and pity he came back to the room where I sat praying and listening.
Being a natural people watcher and a Sociology major…my idle time is never dull. I heard so many interesting conversations from my vantage point. I was this invisible observer of everyone's reactions to their own grief. Well. Almost invisible. I heard several people talking but they did not seem to think I could hear them...although I was only a few feet away.
"Who is that black girl in the corner"? The question came from a friend of the family in a forced whisper.
"I don't know but she's been sitting here all evening alone [emphasis on the word "alone"…thanks a lot]". Answered a spouse of one of the other friends of the family.
"Do you think she's one of those people who crash funerals"?
One elderly woman who sat across from me (because she was too weary and grief stricken to enter the room with the family) decided to take her mind off of death by explaining to me the secret of how to dust your indoor foliage and make it look shiny. Apparently you use Mayonnaise. I'm not kidding.
Furthermore, I learned that the best way to say "I'm sorry for the loss of your loving husband whom you built your entire life around and your father who helped give you life" is a potted plant.
And, I heard all kinds of gossip about this one's separation, this one's affair, and this other one's face lift.
But what I noticed most was the love. People who had not seen one another in 20 years were reconnecting and the time they spent apart seemed to vanish. Folks with differences that had kept them from speaking for years suddenly allowed anger and bitterness to melt away in an embrace of shared pain. Comforting and graceful words were expressed. Hands rubbing backs and caressing hands wearied from wringing. Phone numbers exchanged and promises to keep in touch this time. It was as beautiful as a symphonic piece.
One could be cynical and say that it won't last. But I would argue that even if it just lasts tonight…those who sought comfort received it in the loving arms of friends and family. Although the Holy Spirit is the ultimate comforter (the Word says in Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light)."We are all challenged to be God's hands and His feet here on earth. To be an extension of His love and grace to one another. To as the Bible says "bear one another's burdens".
Marcus and I have now attended 2 Viewings together. One was our friend Mark who Od'd on heroin. We hadn't seen one another in 5 years (Marcus and his partner live in FL) and Mark's death made us realize how fragile life is. We recognized our mortality at such a young age. We re-evaluated what meant the most to us in our lives. At the funeral we made a vow to stay closer and not lose touch (which can be a difficult task from hundreds of miles away). And we have been successful in that. Because anything worth keeping is worth working on.
So, why am I rambling about all of this? My point is this: I think it is important to tell the people in your life that they are important while they are still alive to hear it. While there is still time to do it. Holding a grudge? Read Matt 18:15-20 and resolve it. Pick up the phone and call that old friend you have not talked to in a while. Send an email to a devoted friend who is always there and let them know that you appreciate them. Hug your mom or dad and forgive them for whatever drives that wedge between you. Life is too short to forget where you came from, who God used to get you through a tough time, or to recognize your own shortcomings in loving others. It's not too late to repair the damage today…and love those who have entrusted you with the beauty of this thing called love. No matter what capacity it is actualized in.
John 13:34
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
John 13:35
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
Romans 12:10
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 13:8
[ Love, for the Day is Near ] Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.
Galatians 5:13
You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.
Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with another in love.
Hebrews 10:24
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
1 Peter 1:22
Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.
1 Corinthians 13
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
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